Random Rambling.

The same problem occurs almost every single time.

I have so many things to share but in the end, I decide not to because am afraid I might go overboard unintentionally and TMI is really not a good if I proceed with my story.

As a result to that, this space where I should write the draft for my next blog post was empty for two hours before I typed and erased and typed again. What a waste of my time!

I'm quite tired and negative lately. Apart from being lonely, I feel like I have none I can depend on.

I keep bottling my feelings inside me. My issues are sensitive and I have to consider how others might have felt too. That's why I can't be too open about it especially to the people who know who I am talking about. I don't want them to judge.

Sometimes, just to make myself feel better, I tell myself this is my challenges. Challenges come in many forms and one thing we can do to face them is by staying positive and patient about it.

At other times, I feel the need to help myself. I'm thinking to see a psychologist or a counselor, at the very least. Sounds freak isn’t? LOL!

Other solution? I end up seeking for my ex-girlfriend instead. HAHA. She’s been always be there for me to lend her ears to all my problems. She knew, I just wanted to talk. When I’m with her almost 4 years ago, we talked nearly about everything. She’s surely a talkative. In fact, I love to hear she talked. But sometimes I get irritated in few situations if times not really in my favor. Especially when I’m at work. I had my first job when she still pursuing her first degree back then. Am not favor to take personal call when I'm work. But she called whenever she wanted to, especially when she woke up from her sleep. Bah! I told her to understand that I’m now an adult worker not student like you. Having free time to borak-borak anytime. It’s quite harsh a word isn’t? We argued.

Apparently, I am so not a sweet talker. How to practice to improve my skills? She must be really, really happy to hear something really nice from me every once in a while. Pity.

When I was with her, I used to ignore her a lot. Friends always come first. So, every time I was with my friends, it would take a very long time for me to reply his SMSes. I did explain to him that whenever I was with my friends, I couldn't afford to spare my time just to reply his unimportant SMSes like, "Dah makan?" or "Sihat hari ni?"

Also, whenever she called, I would turn on my cold shoulders on her and ended our conversation fast. Not that I didn't love her, I. Just. Don't. Know. For me, couple thingy would remain private. I don’t share this thing to friends. I enjoyed talk face-to-face with her instead conversation on the phone, and of course in front of my friends.

I think, we were quite ideal couple back then. We always have good times together even though we argued a lot. Share problems, went out and makan sama-sama, ‘study’ sama-sama :P you know the things that couple most do. All we did most was sending SMSes to each other. She was the one who always had to call. I called her once in a blue moon. HAHAHA. That’s the reason she always think am a stingy. I’m not stingy. I’m leading a frugal life. Cheapskate. Haha. Student kan? Mane ade duit. Also I’m not from well-off parents. For shizzle.

The one I remembered most when she asked me a question. “Bila nak ikat gigi?”. Well, you know my teeth slight overbite on the upper side and she suggested me to go for orthodontic treatment. I just replied to her with a stern reaction, “Nak sponsor ke?” She suddenly tarik muka and remains silence. HAHAHA. I was a bad bad boyfriend.

FYI, installed braces will fork out almost rm5000++ from my pocket. Shitload amount of money isn't? I’m a student and never asked money from my parents. I’m just relying solely on PTPTN. So, I needed to save. That’s why I always remind her about her financial management. I generalize her as impulsive buyer. She will buy anything she intended to buy for me which good for me. But, I’m not favor on her habit. I never impressed by expensive gift from girl. I used to told her to spend her money only for beneficial purpose.

Before we ended our relationship, we were separated by distance. Since then, a lot has happened. We were both stressed and this led to many big arguments. I said she was pushy and impatient, she said I was a coward and slow. Dang!

I didn't believe in long-distance relationship. Why? Because I know long-distance relationship won't work with me. I might be wrong on this matter. But, I’d explained to her why I did that. I knew she never understood because she keeps asking me why I did this to her even we’d broke up.

Fast forward, our friendship still quite good. I have to admit, her presence still lingers in my mind. She sure made such a big impact in my life back then. Now she had engaged. Soon she is getting hitched by March. I might hurt a bit but am happy for her.

Afterall, what I learnt, don’t dwell ourselves too much into our problems. Look forward, let the past be the teacher, and live in the present. Hold your head high but keep your feet on the ground. Aim for the stars, if the stars are out of reach, at least you'd land yourself on the moon.