Confession.

Some people had it easy or lucky in a relationship. Fall in love, get married, build family, being blessed with children running around screaming in house and fall perfectly into the sequence of events that usually follow suit. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those lucky bastards. 

I'm actually scared to bring up anything about "marriage". Although it had been conveyed every once in a while, but I was more scared than excited when talking about it. I think I was afraid that I have to face the possibility and the probability of it not happening, and I think I still am.

I'm a hopeless romantic when it comes to love and when I’m so high up on the clouds, at times I forget that in real world, things aren't always as it seems to be.

Most importantly, I don't know how to take my relationship to the next level. Most of the relationship resolutions will dissolves itself without any further action from me. 

Recently, I’d attached with someone. Someone I’d known for the past 9 years. Honestly, I love her so much but to have hopes with no certainties just give me more pain than happiness. I can't pretend that I love the idea of ‘having her’ around few hours a week when there's a possibility of having her besides me all my life. 

Suddenly something went wrong. Somewhere in 2011, It’s going down the hill from that time. That year, all things going fucked up. The smooth relationship turns the tables just because little things to do with her career. 

After all, here's the thing. Right before I’m ready for this close relationship, I knew this god damn screwed day will come. Deep inside me I knew I’m going to lose her because I know her too well. As much as she loves me, if things aren't on our side, there's nothing much that we can do. I have to accept it and move on. I know that.

That being said, I’m still a wreck. I haven't been able to sleep. The meanest cycle has begun. 

As everyone knows, I would never ask her to change anything about her. I would never ask her to put me before anyone else. But if she really has to let go of this relationship, please tell me that she has put some effort in trying to save it in the first place. At least I know that I’m worthy of something; even if it was just for a brief period. At least I know for the past two years, I have been loved.

I realised that sometimes I can be so harsh. Although I didn't mean to hurt you, but you got hurt any way. But the best thing about ‘friendship’ is, forgiveness. You let go. Just pray that all bad experiences that we had encountered together have somehow taught us a lesson or two.

All's well, ends well. Trust me.

I love you.